


Who's the Most Desperate in the Land?

by ElReyCiervo



Series: Yulmallen AU Drabbles [7]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: (Just a little bit), Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Dissociation, Komui is a Great Person, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Alma Karma, Nonbinary Character, Other, Panic Attacks, Religious Content, Yulmallen, Yulmallen AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-21 21:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9566486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElReyCiervo/pseuds/ElReyCiervo
Summary: Drabble #7) Kanda returns, tensions are high, and Alma and Kanda are the greatest lovers ever.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray-Man
> 
> Warnings: language, dissociation, panic attacks
> 
> Aaaaaand here's the next chapter! My original plan had been to update this since last week, but it got delayed as I had to bring my laptop to get fixed. But it's done now! :D

Sitting on the comfortable couch that was in Komui's office, Allen felt as if he was going to be ill. Violently ill. He felt cold, slightly clammy, and he was positive that the cramping stomach and faint tremors running through his hands had nothing to do with a caught sickness. He clenched his hands as a means to deter the tremors, but frowned when they would not stop. So inwardly focused was he that he startled when he felt a warm hand encase one of his shaking ones. Adjacent to him, Alma was giving him on of their beautiful, deep smiles, the one that made him feel safe and secure.

A pity that he had not been feeling a modicum of safety over the past month with nigh everyone looking at him like a freak and a monster. Oh yes, and he mustn't forget scum, murderer, traitor, demon, and myriad of other choice names. While he never acted on the negativity that they all projected on him, he was not an ignorant fool.

 _ **You may not be ignorant, but you're still a fool**_ , the voice in his mind commented in a tone that was a bewildering mix of condescending yet fond.

 _Shut up_ , Allen hissed back mentally, _I don't need your opinion right now_.

He, Komui, Link, and Alma were waiting in Komui's office for Kanda to show and give his mission report. He and Alma were sitting thigh to thigh on the couch while saving a space for Kanda to sit, Link had positioned himself at the door, and Komui was sitting at his desk, fingers steepled in front of his mouth. When the two exorcists had come to the Supervisor, explaining the need to have somewhere to hold an important discussion without roaming eyes and nosy ears, he agreed without question. He had offered his office as a place of refuge for them to wait for Kanda and to talk. To prying outsiders such as the Central guards, it would only appear as a simple mission debrief with an input of fellow exorcists.

Allen would have said that Komui was a godsend, but God no longer seemed to smile upon anyone in the Order. How could he, when they were sent like lambs to the slaughter every day? How could he, when the two loves of his life were created as weapons solely to be used and experimented on? How could he, when the prospect of leaving humanity behind to join his very enemies that treated him with more kindness than the majority of the Order seemed more and more appealing? Despite that, Allen was loath to admit that he still prayed every night to the God that abandoned them all like a good little Catholic boy should. Memorized passages, words of desperation, and pleas to the kingdom of saints and the Holy Virgin Mary painted his lips as often as the blood he coughed up from his injuries. They were pleas of safe passage to his friends travelling across country borders, pleas of protection to his comrades fighting nearly every day, and pleas of pathetic desperation that his loves would live to see another day, to be healthy and together and with one another. ' _Don't separate them again. Not in yet another life,'_ was his personal favorite. They could survive with one another…If something ever happened to him, they would have each other.

Even if he did survive the absolute mess that was his life now, there was no way he was going to live past the age of thirty with his parasitic Innocence…

Across the room, he noticed Link stiffen and lean his head closer to the door as if to better hear something. After a beat, he turned to them and said, "Kanda will be here shortly."

With that, the sickening unease returned to Allen, and he swallowed hard. He knew this conversation needed to happen, needed to be brought to light, but that did not mean it was going to be any easier.

 _ **God have mercy on your souls**_ , was Neah's mocking chuckle.

Without any preamble, as was his usual fashion, Kanda barged into the office with a frown on his face. To anyone other than Allen and Alma, that scowl would announce a terrible mood, but to them it was a signal of the raven-haired man's tiredness. There was dust at the bottom of his gold-lined coat, and Allen could already see that next to him, Alma had a need to clean it. The Second liked to keep things clean (at least their clothes, anyway).

Kanda stopped and narrowed his eyes, taking in all the people in the room. After flicking his attention to Komui and Link, he met gazes with his two lovers. A slight tilt of the head and twitch of the fingers belied his suspicion, and Alma met it with a mouthed explanation of _'Don't worry.'_ He rested his gaze on the two of them a moment longer before turning to Komui and tossing the mission folder on the heavy oak desk.

"…I thought this was a mission briefing," he knit his eyebrows together. "What are Allen, Alma, and the lapdog doing here?" Even after returning to the Order together, the two men still had not rectified their differences. On any normal occasion, Allen would have chided Kanda for his sour attitude towards Link, but now was not the time.

Komui sighed as he brushed the folder to the side of his desk, along with the mountain of other paperwork that everyone knew that he had yet to read. "I can read your report in due time. However, it seems that we have a rather urgent matter on our hands. It needs to be discussed with everyone present, though we cannot have… _certain individuals_ overhearing." There was no need to clarify who the people in question were. The tall scientist nodded his head in Allen's direction, rubbing a calloused thumb over his knuckle in a worried fashion. "Allen will take it from here as he is the one who called for this meeting in the first place."

All eyes were on him and he forced himself to stay (somewhat) calm as he stood from his spot; it was now or never. He locked eyes, mercury to crimson, with Link across the room and received an encouraging nod in return. Clearing his throat, he began, "Thank you, Komui. I…I've been doing a lot of thinking, especially after we came back to the Order. This Holy War," he could not keep the sneer out of his voice or off his face, "has been going on for far too long. Even I can tell, despite being here for almost two years. The Noah and the Earl have been getting bolder and bolder, and I hate to say this, but we have not been making the best progress." He began to pace, trying to gather his thoughts.

With visible reluctance, Kanda took a seat on the couch, eyes never leaving the white-haired exorcist. "We all know that, Moyashi. What's your point?"

A non-heated glare was sent his way. "My _point_ , Bakanda, is…is, well—I know that none of you are going to like it. But Link has known since we've come back to the Order, and Alma partially found out yesterday." Allen took a breath, trying to stave away the queasiness that was coming back with a vengeance. _This is not going to end well_. "I'm sorry for not telling you, but I've been actively communicating with the Fourteenth."

Their reactions were all of what he expected: Komui's surprise was shown through his widened eyes behind his glasses and his tensed posture, while Kanda's shock and subsequent anger were more prominent. Despite having sat for only a moment, he shot up from his seat, hands clenched and slanted eyes wide. "What the hell, Moyashi?! I fucking thought you were purposely ignoring that ass-hat." To anyone that did not know Kanda as well as he or Alma did, the Japanese exorcist would have sounded furious; however, to Allen's ears, his rough tone masked his deep concern and worry.

Alma rose from their seat and stood next to Kanda, putting their hands on his shoulders. "Yuu."

"Allen, what have…" Komui spoke with a touch of unease underlining his voice, "what have you and the Fourteenth been discussing?"

The drained, cursed teenager dropped his gaze to the messy, paper-covered floor. "I am tired, Komui. I am very, very tired. I'm tired of watching people die senselessly, I'm tired of having to fight for my body, and I am tired and _done_ with running." Frown stretching his lips, he steeled his gaze back to all of them before announcing, "I made a deal with Neah to join the third side of the war. Link and I are going to leave the Order."

Now, if what he had said before had caused some unrest, this statement brought forth a surging wave of chaos.

Alma turned sharply at him, panic alight in their russet-brown eyes. "Allen, no!" _Please don't think I'm abandoning you, love_.

Komui finally stood from his seat behind his desk, walking around the piece of furniture closer to Allen. "You can't be serious, Allen…Why? You were just reinstated!"

"You must be out of your goddamn mind," growled Kanda, eyes blazing. "You think we're just going to let you walk away after all that work we did—that _you_ did—in order to come back?!"

It's not like he wanted to go and leave all his precious people behind, but he had to do this. "There's no other way," Allen sighed as he stopped pacing. "Look, I can't stay here, not with Neah in my body, not with the Earl getting increasingly adamant on capturing me. On top of that, I can't in good faith work at the Order anymore, not with the knowledge of what they've done to all the people I care about." Saying that, he gave pointed looks to Alma and Kanda. "Please understand," he begged.

"Fuck that!" Kanda slashed a hand in front of himself. "I am not letting you go, dammit! You think being here is bad? Think about what the Earl is going to do to you when you're out there all alone. What then, Moyashi?"

Alma reached a hand to clutch at Allen's shirt sleeve. "You're going to be an easier target for the Akuma and Noah, Al. Even if you came to an agreement with Neah like you said you have, it's not going to end well at all!"

"I won't be able to keep Central off your tail, Allen," Komui spoke, but what Allen heard behind the words was ' _I can't keep you safe if you're not here._ ' Bless this man. Komui's heart was too big for his own good: too caring, too passionate.

Link, ever present near the door, finally offered his two cents. "Allen and I have been discussing this plan for a long while now. We've concluded that this is the best decision. Please respect it."

"No!" came the harmonious shut-down from Alma and Kanda.

"I cannot, in good conscious, condone this, Allen," Komui fiddled with his glasses, severe frown on his face.

 _I knew this was not going to end well, but I_ _ **need**_ _them to understand. I can't keep putting them in danger. It's my fault they keep getting hurt, shite._ "I know none of you approve, but I _have_ to do this!" He growled through gritted teeth. Tears stung his eyes, and he was quick to blink them away, trying to keep some sort of composure together. "I…" he took a shaky breath, "I just…Let me protect you, please."

The atmosphere in the room was tense, and Allen was sure that was not the reason he was having some trouble breathing. Alma and Kanda moved to engulf him in an embrace, but he stepped away not wanting the contact right now. The fabric of his clothing— _What was I wearing again?_ —rubbed against his skin in a way that set his teeth on edge, despite being the clothing that was most comfortable in his very small wardrobe. He could not help but scratch his arms, the feeling of biting insects crawling underneath his skin. There was a distinct buzzing in his ears that was beginning to drown out most of what the others were saying. _Don't leave, Allen. Stay in the moment, stay in the moment,_ he chanted, trying to anchor himself and not drift. _Stay here, stay here, stayhere, stayhere_ _ **stayherestaySTAYSTAY**_ —

"Leaving isn't protecting us, baka. You should—"

"—don't think that's wise, since—"

Too many words, too many voices. What were they saying? _Shut up, shut up, shut up, why don't you lot understand?!_ Why wouldn't the ringing go away?

"…not possible…the Order—"

"Going on the run again…we've already—"

_**You should have just left in silence, fool. This would have been much easier without anyone knowing of your departure.** _

_Please stop, be quiet, be quiet, bequietbequiet_ _**bequietbequietBEQUIET** _ _! You don't understand, you need me to do this. If not you'll—_

"…Allen are you alright?"

"Al?"

"Moyashi…? Allen!"

" _YOU'LL ALL DIE!"_ The scream that ripped from his throat was shrill and near animalistic; he had trouble recognizing that was indeed his own voice. He heaved, gulping large breaths of air as he tried to calm himself down. His head felt like it was about to split, his heart raced in his chest, and he was fairly certain the human body was not supposed to shake this much. After a solid minute of silence, once he became somewhat more coherent, he realized that he had (at some point) dropped to the ground in a ball, hands clutching his white hair and tears streaming down his flushed cheeks.

The only sound permeating the air was his unsteady breathing. Everything hurt, everything was tense, and _Jesus Christ_ why was this happening? "Y-You'll all die if…if I don't leave. Central wants my head and the Earl and Noah, my blood." He took another gulping breath. "They'll come after you…and you'll die." _And I'll lose everyone I've ever loved for good._

_I'll be all alone again._

"Allen…"

"Oh, Allen—"

He didn't realize how long he had been stuck in his head; however, it must have been a good few minutes as he jolted when he felt someone touch his shoulder. He raised his head to see Kanda and Alma kneeling next to him, faces morose yet loving. Kanda was careful not to jostle him as he scooped him up in his lap and pressed his head against his chest. The steady beat of his core-heart was grounding, a song that only he and one other were allowed to hear whenever they needed. "…We are not going to die, Allen," he said in a low voice. His lover petted his white hair while Alma grabbed his shaking, mismatched hands in theirs. "Fuck the other people. Fuck Central, fuck the Ear and the Noah, and fuck everyone else. We are _not_ going to die, do you understand?"

 _Don't make promises you can't keep,_ he wanted to say aloud, yet the words died in his throat. _Mana promised to stay with me, and…he died. He died and came back through a fate worse than death…left me all alone. All alone, all alone alone ALONE_ _ **ALONEALONE**_ _. Did he love me? Did he really love me? Do they—"_

"Allen."

He blinked, and it took a moment to realize that he had become lost in his mind for a bit there. He locked eyes with Alma's worried russet-brown, then tilted his head to see Kanda's equally concerned cobalt. As if sensing his distress, the swordsman kissed him and drew him closer. He felt Alma wrap their arms around the both of them, and Allen was comforted by their elevated body temperatures. If they had to look on the bright side, at least being a Second meant not being cold easily.

"We love you, Al," Alma said as they kissed the crown of his head, "and we love you enough to stay by your side. We won't leave you, _ever_."

Kanda grunted, and Allen was familiar enough with his caveman-esque sounds to understand that one meant agreement. "Listen to the sap, Allen. If you think we're gonna let you waltz out of here by yourself and the lapdog, then you have another thing coming."

Allen looked helplessly at his lovers, then to Komui and Link. He was a selfish person her hated to admit, hoarding his loved one like a dragon would their valuables. If they died… _I wouldn't know what to do._ "I can't stay," he croaked, throat sore from the screaming and crying.

Kanda shifted against Alma and Allen. "Well, then the answer is easy."

Allen felt his eyebrow crease in confusion, slight frown on his face. "How so?"

In the agitated atmosphere, Alma's light and warm demeanor was a balm to Allen's unease. "If you can't go, we'll just have to go with you! Pretty simple, if you ask me."

Without meaning to do so, Allen and Komui spluttered at the same time, thrown off balance. "W-Wait, what?! No way, I can't let you two do that!" Allen protested.

"You can't be serious," Komui gaped. "I'm not comfortable with Allen leaving, but for all three of you to go, including Link? There is no possible way that Central wouldn't be on your tails, what with that many combatants gone rogue!"

Alma and Kanda pulled Allen to his feet, and he was thankful for their steadying hands as he was still a little disoriented. This wasn't the first time he's needed help after an…episode; he had long since swallowed his pride. "Fuck Central," Kanda said in his natural brusque fashion. "Think about it. It'd actually be _safer_ if Allen had us along with him. The CROW over there is just one person. Moyashi is gonna need more backup if things go south."

At his position by the door, Link practically bristled. Allen knew that Link bad kept silent for the most part out of respect for him, Alma, and Kanda. However, he also knew from personal experience that Link was very prideful in his abilities and did not take any insult against them lightly, direct or indirect. "I am _more_ than capable of defending both Allen and myself, Kanda Yuu." Link's voice was leaning towards a mix of a growl and a hiss. "It would behoove you not to underestimate me."

Their raven-haired lover stepped towards Link, squaring his shoulders and baring gritted teeth. "You trying to start something, _lapdog_?"

"I assure you, you must be deluding yourself, _hot head_ ," Link shot back, also taking a step toward Kanda.

Jesus Christ, Allen did not need a pissing match right now.

Just as Allen and Alma were going to say something, Komui stepped in before things could get ugly; he startled everyone when he slapped a hand on his desk, but it did its job at getting everyone's attention. " _Link, Kanda_ , control yourselves." The two men harrumphed, well chided. The Supervisor took a breath to visibly collect himself. "Now, Allen, I have to reiterate that I cannot condone you all leaving, especially after returning so soon. But…I can turn a blind eye towards it." Komui moved to stand in front of Allen—Alma and Kanda had moved aside when they had seen the man nearing—and put his hands on his shoulders. "I'll give you three an open-ended mission under the guise of searching for several pieces of Innocence. That will keep Central and Leverrier off your backs for some time. But, Allen…" The exorcist was surprised when Komui hugged him tightly, continuing to speak in a tone akin to a mourner's eulogy, "I'm afraid I cannot do any more than that to help you. I'm sorry."

 _Bleeding hell, Komui is such a good person_ , Allen though as he gripped the back of the taller man's white jacket just a little bit tighter. _He doesn't deserve all the shit that he's put through in this hell hole._ "Thank you, and there's nothing to apologize for," he said, just above a whisper. "You do more for us than _anybody_ else." He chose not to comment on the watery sniffle he heard from Komui.

The scientist turned to address the exorcists and the Inspector. "I can give you all a week to get ready for your…mission. Anything more and Central will get suspicious why you are taking so long to prepare. Use your time wisely, you all." The ' _be careful_ ' was left unsaid.

"We'll try our best, Komui," Alma replied, smile more on the grim side, "but you know us. Can't promise anything."

"I know, and that's what worries me. Oh, and I still need that mission report, Kanda."

Alma laughed while Kanda huffed. "Can't get rid of us that easily, Moyashi."

"It's Allen, Bakanda."

_**Do as the scientist said, Allen. You have one week to do everything that you need to get done: say your goodbyes, tie up any lose ends and such…because once the week is up, you better not have any regrets when we leave.** _

One week, one week to go.

* * *

Published: 2/3/17

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Thanks you to Reah_Kitsune for commenting last installment!


End file.
